Thursday, November 14, 2019
Tribute to Matt Stone :: Comedy Scripts Comedians Essays
Tribute to Matt Stone Episode 201 - Not Without My Anus Icons provided by Christopher Pirillo at Just South of South Park AdvertFXApplet provided by Secret Sid South Park Announcer:     Since the last South Park you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage will not be seen tonight so we can bring you the following special presentation.      [Honk] HBC Announcer:     Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars. Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.           [Canadian Courthouse - 10:18 A.M.] Scott:     Ladies and gentlemen, before you today sits a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer, and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.      [Dramatic Music]      [Fart] Phillip:     Uh, Terrance, you farted in court. Terrance:     Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.      [Laughter] Scott:     All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt      Terrance looks about confused. Scott:     A watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer." "Dr. O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer." Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God. Je accuse Terrance. Terrance:     Would you like a monkey claw Phillip? Phillip:     Yes please.      [Fart]      [Laughter] Terrance:     That's called the monkey claw cause it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys. Phillip:     The monkey claw is smelly.      The Judge hammers her gavel. Judge:     Come on, get a move-on, I ain't getting a younger up here. Phillip:     My sentiments exactly Your Honor. I see from your accent that you're Southern Canadian. Judge:     That is correct. Phillip:     Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is an innocent man.      [Fart] Terrance:     Oh ho, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument. Phillip:     I have, haven't I Terrance.      [Fart]      [Laughter] Scott:     Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court. They think farts are funny, but they're not. Judge:     Sustained. Phillip:     Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?      Phillip shows the jury of Terrance with a llama. Phillip:     Of course not. So, in summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he'll kill you.      [Gasp]      [Laughter] Phillip:     Just kidding. The defense rests.      Terrance pounds his fist on the table as he laughs uncontrollably.
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